3 years today...

3 Years ago today at 11:11 a.m. Ezra Cotton Ross entered this world. What a blessing! It was such a joyous moment when I got to see him. What a beautiful boy he was. Both Beau and I were so proud. And we still are. It is a bitter-sweet day. But still a day that I would never give back!

To celebrate Ezra's birthday today we went and decorated his grave a bit. The kids were very involved. Even Jack (that is what we are going to change our little guys name to that we are in the process of adopting YAY!) was helping to keep the ants off of his headstone. They even ended up decorating with a few clover flowers after everything else. It seemed as though Tilly and Tucker couldn't tell enough people that it was their baby brothers birthday today, but that he was up in heaven. I was SO proud every single time I heard them say that. Buuut at the same time it hurt. Tears filled my eyes every time and I had to keep my head down or look away when they would say it. I didn't want them to see me sad. They were so happy that we were getting to celebrate Ezra's 3rd birthday! One thing we did this year was release three blue balloons into the air. The reason was because of the kids. Tucker and Tilly were so very concerned that Ezra wouldn't know we were wishing him a happy birthday so they wanted to send balloons up into heaven so that he knew it was for him. What love!


I really want this to be a positive post. June 30th is a day of celebration! At the same time it's hard. It is a constant battle inside to try to stay positive on this day. I don't want to be sad. I want to be grateful....grateful that Beau and I were chosen to be his parents and we got to meet and love such a special spirit. BUT you see I struggle. As I was sitting by his grave I couldn't help but think that I shouldn't be decorating his headstone, and taking pictures of the family at his grave. I should be decorating the house for him. Making a special cake for him and wrapping up his presents. I should be taking pictures of his first bite of cake and his expressions when he opens his gifts. But that isn't how it is. He is gone. But only from this mortal life. I know and believe with all my heart that he was with us today as we sang Happy Birthday to him at the Cemetery. I know that he knows how much we all do love him. And that does bring me happiness.
SO I WANT TO WISH MY BEAUTIFUL EZRA A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

This song...

I Give You to His Heart By: Alison Krauss
The wind is blowing down the quiet river,
a shining road that carries you alone.
Baby boy my love will last forever.
If you're to live, I must give you up to God.

I know our God will guide, protect and keep you.
Teach you faith and hold you by the heart.
Though your mother's heart is broken by your leaving,
her Father knows just who he is and who you are.

I wish that life wasn't always ending up this way,
with Heaven's love at stake and hell to pay.
But you in God's loving plan might be the missing part.
You must live.
So I give you to his heart.

The wind is blowing down the silent river,
a shining road that leaves me all alone.
A life for you's worth losing you forever.
Some day we'll stand in God's fair land, forever home.

I wish that life wasn't always ending up this way,
with Heaven's love at stake and hell to pay.
But you in God's loving plan might be the missing part.
You must live.
So I give you to his heart.

I wish that life wasn't always ending up this way,
with Heaven's love at stake and hell to pay.
But you in God's loving plan might be the missing part.
You must live.
So I give you to his heart.

This song makes me think of my Sweet Ezra. He has been on my mind a lot lately. Or I should say a lot more than usual. I've been thinking of how blessed I am to know one of mine, beau, tucker, tilly and JJ's angels. I know that he is with us at times watching us. I know that he misses us and loves us so much. And just as much as we are wishing he was with us I am sure even though he is in a much better place than us he still wishes to be with us. One day we will all be together again. I know this. Sometimes the pain is so fresh. It will be with me, beau and the kids for the rest of our lives.
I'm so blessed to know where Ezra is and that just because he is gone does not mean that it is over. I will hold him in my arms again. And it will be without the tubes and wires everywhere. He will be perfect and pain free. I am also so blessed to know that my Father in Heaven knows me inside and out. He cares and loves us all so much. I was thinking of how I felt after Ezra passed and how angry I was at God. I felt like he had forgotten me and Beau. After much prayer and TIME I now know that our Father in Heaven was hurting as well. He knows our pain and sadness we are his children. I know that even though I was so angry he was trying to comfort and love both me and Beau. I know that I was not alone. I was never left alone. He did not forget us.
I know that this was probably out of nowhere but that is how it goes for me. It just feels good to write all of this down. Have it out there.

One of those weeks...

Yes it has been one of those weeks. One where NOT ONCE have I actually done my hair cute. One where I can't get to anything on time. One where I want to scream and pull all of my hair out. One where all I've wanted to do is sit alone and think and it isn't happening! One where I wish my sisters and mom lived closer. One where I wish certain events in my life had NEVER happened. (I'm not talking about my marriage...I love it) One where I want to ask God to give me a pass for the week and make EVERYTHING right. I know other people feel this way but I just want things to work out perfectly for a while. I want stresses gone. I want the snow to melt. hahaha. Now I should start listing all of my wants. HAHAHA just kidding.
Sometimes I feel like life starts to get to crazy. But at the same time nothing different is really happening. Siiiiigh. Odd post I know.
By the way most of these pictures I've been posting look like crap because they are taken with my camera phone...stupid camera is acting funny. Next post won't be a downer.

Family

A few family pics.

Baby Joe Dirt...

I had to post this picture of JJ. The kids and I were cleaning up dress ups and found these wigs. JJ honestly did not care. He just smiled and giggled. The blonde one makes me think of Joe Dirt as a baby. HAHAHAHA

So We Begin again...

Well, let's hope that I can keep this up. I really want to. Even if it is just to jot down a few thoughts i had for the day and what not. Let's start with Christmas 2010. What a magical and wonderful Christmas it was for our family. Beau and I took the kids to DISNEYLAND for Christmas and it was truly a magical moment. Tilly got to meet each of the princesses and dance with them. I honestly got a little teary eyed watching her dance with the princesses. I know I'm such a sissy. Tucker was tall enough to go on big rides with his dad. I know that may not seem like a big deal to some people but to Tucker it was HUUUUGE! JJ actually got to go on some of the rides with me and Tilly. He liked some and didn't really care about others. I was also excited because Beau had never been. I have been once a very very loong time ago. So for everyone it was memorable. I also got to experience what it was like to be chewed out several times in Chinese. Yep I must have done something wrong because I got it a few times from some Asian folk. I just smiled. hahaha what else am I gonna do....flip em the bird? NO!!!! It's Disneyland for heavens sakes!
I do want to list what everyones favorite rides or parts were about Disneyland. Tucker: The HUGE roller coaster in Disneyland Adventures, Tower of Terror and Splash Mountain. Tilly: Dancing with the princesses, meeting all of the characters. She HATED Tower of Terror hence the picture below Beau: Pretty much everything...but he really liked It's a Small World and the Roller Coaster JJ: eating...and eating. I will say he did not care for Mickey getting in his personal space while he was eating. Me: Seeing everybody's excitement...and the woman that called me a B****. hahaha No worries I told her how foul she was. I do need to say...I DID NOTHING WRONG! Her husband slammed Tilly into a metal door because he was in a hurry to get on a KIDS ride. Uh huh....WATCH OUT FOR MOMMA BEAR!
THEN we had New Years Eve. Since we had done so much traveling we decided to relax at home with the kids for New Years. We ended up renting Super Mario Bros.. SO MUCH FUN! It did end up getting a little competitive. So we would stop and take snack breaks to cool down. Truly addicting.
Our lives have been so busy lately with the kids in school and JJ and the foster care situation. It's been crazy! And I am very thankful for my crazy life. I would rather the craziness over being alone or without each and every one of them.
Beau, is doing really well with his job. Really liking it...but of course there are days where he has had enough. LIke most jobs. We feel so blessed. Our Heavenly Father has blessed us in so many ways. I feel so lucky...and sometimes so undeserving. Siiiiiigh.
Okay well I know ONCE AGAIN that I jumped from topic to topic ...but that is how my brain works. Until next week.....
Oh also I am just posting a bunch of pics from Disneyland that I took with the phone. The others will have to come later.

p.s. I can only post pictures that I took with my phone because we took a lot of pictures with the kids disposable camera. HAHAHA




Tarzan's Tree House


Obviously this is right after the Tower of Terror. Poor thing cried for a bit.


Mickey is totally in JJ's personal space. He is getting the classic JJ stare down. HAHAHAHA


So MaGiCaL