So here I am at 11:30 at night trying to figure out how I am going to write this. I mean how am I going to write this? I’ve thought about this over and over and over again. I don’t know how…and honestly I don’t want to know how.
Ezra passed away October 3rd 2008 at 4:30 a.m in my arms. Both Beau and I were with him. He was due for a surgery in the morning of the 3rd to put a PD Cath in to prepare him to come home. During the night Ezra became very ill. By morning Ezra had a very slim chance of survival because he was so ill. So the Doctors did an Exploratory Surgery to see what was going on. A blood clot had stopped blood flow to most of Ezra’s small intestine. Because of that Ezra’s slim chance of survival was gone.
When people would go into Ezra's room to see him they would always comment on how strong he is. They also commented on how before going into his room they would be so worried and anxious and then after entering his room they felt this calming and peaceful feeling around them. I believe that it was Ezra. I believe that they felt his strength and love. And I believe that the Lord was there calming as well. He probably knew that our little guy need positive feeling around him at that time in his life.
I don't know what to write. What mother or father knows what to write about their baby that was taken so soon? All I can do is write what I feel. That's all I know how to do.
My Ezra…my beautiful, beautiful Ezra. I wish you could have stayed with me. I wish that I were holding you right now and smelling your sweet baby smell. I wish I were getting up in the middle of the night to feed you or just hold you and comfort you. What I would do to hold you again…or smell you. Just to feel you. To hear your cry…I dream of your cry.
I am so angry at times…well most of the time, that you were taken from me so soon. Angry and hurt I guess. Why did God take you so soon? People tell me that you were to pure. They tell me that I will be with you again. I guess that should bring me comfort. Maybe someday it will. Not right now though. It is too painful right now.
I am grateful for your strength. I know that every day that you were here with me was a miracle. I believe that you wanted to meet your mom and dad and when you did you begged God to let you stay just for a bit longer. I believe that he told you it wasn’t going to be easy, but you didn’t care. You are such a strong boy. Because you stayed we got to hold you and bathe you. We got to smell your sweet breath and hear your sweet cry. How grateful I am for everyday that I did get to hold you and sing to you and read to you.
I wish I could have taken the pain away. I would have taken it if I could. I would have taken everything. What was hardest was not being able to help you. All we could do was be there. How helpless your dad and I felt. I think the most important thing to a parent is protecting their children. How hard it is to know we couldn’t protect you. For that I am sorry. I am so sorry.
I miss you terribly. Every minute of every day you are on my mind. I am always wondering where you are. Are you here with me or are you busy somewhere else right now?
I know that you are okay now. I know that you are happy. I know one day I will see you again. And hold you…and never let you go again. And for that knowledge I am grateful. How lucky we are to have such a beautiful strong boy like you.
I am so thankful for your strength and for staying for as long as you could. I’m thankful I got to see your beautiful face. We will miss you everyday until we are with you again.
31 comments:
Sarah, this is beautiful!
I did feel a CALM and VERY peaceful feeling when I was in his room with you that night! It was a feeling I will NEVER forget!
HUGS!
Love.Jessie
Sarah, you have been on my mind. This tribute and these thoughts are beautiful. You will be so glad that you wrote them. I agree with Jessie he was a beautiful and strong baby and you felt instant peace when you were around him. Thank you for letting me meet him and visit you.
Beau tribute to him was amazing also I hope someone recorded or wrote it down. You too are amazing parents I he is lucky to have you.
Love ya...
Jen
sarie...i love you. i think you are right about where that calm feeling came from...i'd been so frustrated trying to understand why i had gotten those feelings from....but after reading your thoughts i see....of course your right ....of course it was ezra....and his immense strength. i miss him...i miss you and thekids....and beau...i guess....lol. see you soon.
What a great note to Ezra and a recording of your feelings. You will be so glad to reread this in the future.
You and Beau are great parents. It is ok to be angry, but the comfort will come- the Savior promises that, sadly it takes alot of time.
Hey when are you coming over to MY house?
Sarah and Beau, my heart is so broken, but sometimes when I can do nothing but cry, I hear a sweet voice tell me, "grannie, it's okay, don't cry." I'd like to think that it is Ezra. Ezra was and still is such my hero. So strong, so good. I know he misses the mortal time he would have had with his sis and bubba and of course you, but I know he is okay, he is happy, he is doing something really good for God and Jesus. Does that bring me a lot of peace? No, but yes. I just thank God for the gospel truths, to know that we will all be resurrected and have our bodies; to know that God's plan is to make the family bond eternal. You and Beau are amazing, and 'both' of you are my sub hero's, even Mexui Man! No, especially Mexi Man! My love to you, Momma
What beautiful writing Sarah. Not a day goes by that I'm not thinking of you and your sweet family. You are such an amazing person and whenever I'm around you I can feel that same peaceful feeling in you.
We need to have another Hills night soon :).
Sarah, I am so proud of you for writing this. I can't imagine how hard it was for you...it took great strength. I am sorry you have to be strong, but so glad that you are. I love you guys and pray for you always. Call me if you ever feel like talking about anything or nothing. Or not...whatev...Love you!
Aimeé
Beautiful.
You are an inspiration to us all.
Thank you for sharing a part of him with us all.
You will be in our prayers.
xo
Brooke&Drew
Sara, As I read your beautiful words, tears stream down my face, I try to find words that will soothe your soul....but I know, no words will ever be enough. Instead I send my love and prayers your way. I did find this little story and couldn't help thinking of Ezra, your little angel. P.S. Sorry for the novel.
The Brave Little Soul
Written by John Alessi
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day, however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"
God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone."
The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world to suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go!! I would love to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's heart's! I want to create that miracle!!"
God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."
God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."
Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual jouneys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. People checked a website and sent notes of encouragement. People made and brought meals to the family of the suffering. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened.
Sarah,
We think of you guys often and pray for all of you. Thank you for your amazing example of faith and love.
Love.Sunny
So beautiful and tenderly written. Wishing you and yours better days!
Sarah, I've been sitting here trying to think of what to say for almost 20 minutes. I always say the wrong thing. I have been thinking about you since the moment I got the phone call those many months ago that Ezra had just been born and something wasn't quite right. I'll never forget that phone call and how my heart hurt for you then. And it still hurts for you, every day. I'm so glad that your wrote down some of your thoughts, they're perfect. I think Ezra knew you were with him every day and he knows that you miss him now. You're an amazing mom and he is so lucky to have you.
Wow. It is very apparent how much you love Ezra. I wish we could know all the answers...but I guess some things take time to sort through and come to terms with. I really loved reading such an honest, tender tribute to your sweet baby. He is so lucky to have you. I hope you know how many people care about you. Hang in there.
s....i don't know what to say...i never do...i'm sorry...but i love you...i know that must have hurt to write....i wish i could help lift this somehow...but i want you to remember one thing...that just because you can't feel him doesn't mean he isn't often near you. the Lord purposefully puts the veil there to help us complete our tests...don't ever think that the Lord doesn't allow your family to be complete and together...even though his physical body isn't there....i know his spirit is much of the time...i just know it! i wish there were no veil...i also know that there will be times when you least expect it that it will be lifted...for a brief time...and you will know then that there is no way that you could have conjured that feeling up...because it won't come at your bidding...only at the Lord's. S...I know he watches his mom constantly...that is what families do...even in the eternal realm...and i know ann is watching out for her son too...just like you would if you were on the other side...sorry for the book...it's just hard to say this over the phone....i love you....i pray for you always and beau and tilly and tucker.
ps do you think it's okay to copy that little soul story and put it on my blog? i loved it.
o
thank you Sarah. Really. For being so brave and sharing a little glimpse of baby Ezra. No fancy words will help BUT just know you are loved and prayers are said for you and your family.
katie
ps heather is right hills night ASAP!!!!
Thank you for sharing your feelings... they strengthen everyone else. You are amazing Sarah.
Ezra has changed us all forever. He has turned our hearts and our minds to Heaven and reminded us that our time here is important. You have changed my life forever. Every conversation I have with you I walk away feeling the spirit and being in awe of how strong you are. I am so sorry you are going through this.... and all of the other things.... That's really all I can say. It truly breaks my heart. I love you dearly and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
I echo the sentiments already added. I have no words to say, no grand insite to share, to take the pain/anger away.
I can only think of the Ziggy comic strip. One time, Ziggy was standing on a hill and talking to God. He said, "God, I know you test the ones you love, but could you just not love me SOOO much?!"
I've read other's blogs who've gone through losing someone. They've said "Everyone says, 'Only you could have survived this. Because only you are strong enough.' And the bloggers just wanted to say, 'I'm not THAT strong.'" I don't think anyone goes through life saying, "I can handle the death of a child." But somehow through the grace God has given us, the friends and family in our lives, we survive.
I know this might be rambled and thrown together. I just wanted your family to know that our family constantly has you on our minds, in our prayers, and in our hearts.
May the sun start to shine a little brighter each day.
Sarah~these thoughts you have shared about Ezra are so precious. You have been so brave and strong just like he was. Ezra truly is an angel. The few times I visited I always felt in my heart what a special boy he is.I think of you guys often and Ezra's sweet spirit.
Look at all the support you have! That's awesome. Aren't you so grateful to know that you will be able to raise Ezra in heaven (as taught by Joseph Smith in this years manual)? What you wrote was perfect and although it makes me cry, I'm glad you wrote it. You guys are amazing and we're glad to hear how you are doing - We've been checking for posts about everyday! How are the other two cute kids doing? We love and miss you guys...
We love you and your family so much!
Sarah,
You are such a dear friend to me. I love you and love that I am invited to read your blog. What a beautiful tribute. I have no way of comprehending your pain but do know that through the atonement our Savior can heal our pain. Families are forever! I love you!
Heidi
sarah, I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry! That tribute you wrote to sweet little ezra was just beautiful! You and your family are in our prayers! love you :)
oh sarah - I think about you all the time. I hope that as time goes by your heart will heal. Ezra was so strong and so are you. I wish I could be there.
Sarah,
I can hardly see the screen to type. What a beautiful message to your sweet boy. I can't even begin to imagine the grief you must feel but I want you to know that you have constantly been in my thoughts over the last month. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I'm glad to see you are posting again. :)
Love Carly
Sarah I just want you to know that I love you and your family so much. You are constanly in my thoughts.
Sarah--
gosh, it's hard for me to write this.. so I can't imagine how hard it was for you to write this post! Thanks for sharing this tribute/ letter to Ezra. It is soooo beautiful and tender. You have such faith and strength... just like Ezra does. You are such an inspiration to me. I'm sorry Ezra's time was so short. I'm glad you know that you'll be able to hold your son again and be with him FOREVER! Your family is just amazing! You and your family have touched and changed me so much. It makes me take nothing for granted and realize what a blessing EVERY SINGLE day is! My heart breaks with you. I can't imagine the pain you must have... I think about you and your family constantly. Your baby Ezra is beyond precious, beautiful. Thank you again for sharing your tribute and your precious days with Ezra. Hugs!
Love Koni
Sarah. Thank you for letting us see your blog. Ben and I have had so many conversations about your family and how we wish we could do more. My heart breaks for you and I admire so much your courage and faith. You are such wonderful people. It is so hard to understand why such hard things happen. He is a sweet, beautiful little boy. I am so sorry. You have been in our thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. We love you.
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