Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Our Angel

So here I am at 11:30 at night trying to figure out how I am going to write this. I mean how am I going to write this? I’ve thought about this over and over and over again. I don’t know how…and honestly I don’t want to know how.
Ezra passed away October 3rd 2008 at 4:30 a.m in my arms. Both Beau and I were with him. He was due for a surgery in the morning of the 3rd to put a PD Cath in to prepare him to come home. During the night Ezra became very ill. By morning Ezra had a very slim chance of survival because he was so ill. So the Doctors did an Exploratory Surgery to see what was going on. A blood clot had stopped blood flow to most of Ezra’s small intestine. Because of that Ezra’s slim chance of survival was gone.

When people would go into Ezra's room to see him they would always comment on how strong he is. They also commented on how before going into his room they would be so worried and anxious and then after entering his room they felt this calming and peaceful feeling around them. I believe that it was Ezra. I believe that they felt his strength and love. And I believe that the Lord was there calming as well. He probably knew that our little guy need positive feeling around him at that time in his life.
I don't know what to write. What mother or father knows what to write about their baby that was taken so soon? All I can do is write what I feel. That's all I know how to do.
My Ezra…my beautiful, beautiful Ezra. I wish you could have stayed with me. I wish that I were holding you right now and smelling your sweet baby smell. I wish I were getting up in the middle of the night to feed you or just hold you and comfort you. What I would do to hold you again…or smell you. Just to feel you. To hear your cry…I dream of your cry.
I am so angry at times…well most of the time, that you were taken from me so soon. Angry and hurt I guess. Why did God take you so soon? People tell me that you were to pure. They tell me that I will be with you again. I guess that should bring me comfort. Maybe someday it will. Not right now though. It is too painful right now.
I am grateful for your strength. I know that every day that you were here with me was a miracle. I believe that you wanted to meet your mom and dad and when you did you begged God to let you stay just for a bit longer. I believe that he told you it wasn’t going to be easy, but you didn’t care. You are such a strong boy. Because you stayed we got to hold you and bathe you. We got to smell your sweet breath and hear your sweet cry. How grateful I am for everyday that I did get to hold you and sing to you and read to you.
I wish I could have taken the pain away. I would have taken it if I could. I would have taken everything. What was hardest was not being able to help you. All we could do was be there. How helpless your dad and I felt. I think the most important thing to a parent is protecting their children. How hard it is to know we couldn’t protect you. For that I am sorry. I am so sorry.
I miss you terribly. Every minute of every day you are on my mind. I am always wondering where you are. Are you here with me or are you busy somewhere else right now?
I know that you are okay now. I know that you are happy. I know one day I will see you again. And hold you…and never let you go again. And for that knowledge I am grateful. How lucky we are to have such a beautiful strong boy like you.
I am so thankful for your strength and for staying for as long as you could. I’m thankful I got to see your beautiful face. We will miss you everyday until we are with you again.