Friday, July 1, 2011

3 years today...

3 Years ago today at 11:11 a.m. Ezra Cotton Ross entered this world. What a blessing! It was such a joyous moment when I got to see him. What a beautiful boy he was. Both Beau and I were so proud. And we still are. It is a bitter-sweet day. But still a day that I would never give back!

To celebrate Ezra's birthday today we went and decorated his grave a bit. The kids were very involved. Even Jack (that is what we are going to change our little guys name to that we are in the process of adopting YAY!) was helping to keep the ants off of his headstone. They even ended up decorating with a few clover flowers after everything else. It seemed as though Tilly and Tucker couldn't tell enough people that it was their baby brothers birthday today, but that he was up in heaven. I was SO proud every single time I heard them say that. Buuut at the same time it hurt. Tears filled my eyes every time and I had to keep my head down or look away when they would say it. I didn't want them to see me sad. They were so happy that we were getting to celebrate Ezra's 3rd birthday! One thing we did this year was release three blue balloons into the air. The reason was because of the kids. Tucker and Tilly were so very concerned that Ezra wouldn't know we were wishing him a happy birthday so they wanted to send balloons up into heaven so that he knew it was for him. What love!

I really want this to be a positive post. June 30th is a day of celebration! At the same time it's hard. It is a constant battle inside to try to stay positive on this day. I don't want to be sad. I want to be grateful....grateful that Beau and I were chosen to be his parents and we got to meet and love such a special spirit. BUT you see I struggle. As I was sitting by his grave I couldn't help but think that I shouldn't be decorating his headstone, and taking pictures of the family at his grave. I should be decorating the house for him. Making a special cake for him and wrapping up his presents. I should be taking pictures of his first bite of cake and his expressions when he opens his gifts. But that isn't how it is. He is gone. But only from this mortal life. I know and believe with all my heart that he was with us today as we sang Happy Birthday to him at the Cemetery. I know that he knows how much we all do love him. And that does bring me happiness.